Bad Sex

How To Tell A Woman She's Bad In Bed

You, alternatively, would rather sleep, watch sports or do almost anything instead of enduring another night of passionless sex. It's not you; it's her."

When you first hooked up, one look from the missus was all it took for your engine to rev up quicker than a pimped-out ride from The Fast and the Furious. You were, to put it bluntly, like a dog in heat, but those first throes of passion are long gone, and your girlfriend has since lost her almost God-given power to make you happy between the sheets.

She may have seduced you with her looks and charm, but if you're dealing with bad sex months after that first night of intimacy, then she might as well look like Whoopi Goldberg. Not that you would tell her that. Unless you possess a heart of stone like Simon Cowell, you’d feel pretty bad watching your girlfriend suffer a Bridget Jones-style breakdown after telling her she’s failing miserably in the bedroom.

But make enough excuses to avoid a close encounter or drop enough hints about what she should be doing, and your girlfriend will eventually catch on. Here’s what to do to if bad sex is ruining your relationship.

Rule No. 1: Fake an illness

Since the dawn of time, women have used phony ailments such as headaches and upset stomachs to get out of having sex. But two can play at that game. If the stars have aligned and the moon is in the right place, she might be feeling amorous and up for a night of passion. You, alternatively, would rather sleep, watch sports or do almost anything instead of enduring another night of passionless sex. It’s not you; it’s her.

Yawning at least once every few minutes should do the trick. If that isn’t enough to ward off her advances, then make regular trips to the toilet and proceed to groan loudly enough for your girlfriend to hear. She’ll soon be colder than a streaker in the midst of a Canadian winter.

Rule No. 2: Be cunning

We’ve already established that you can’t just tell the missus how bad she is in the sack. But a little scheming can go a long way. Ask her if there’s anything in particular she’d like you to do when getting intimate. Not only does it make your girlfriend feel special, but it also gives you an excuse to tell her exactly what you want. Women love to talk, so use this to your advantage.

What better way for her to feel sexy while burning the calories than pole-dancing lessons?

Rule No. 3: Don’t hide your porn stash

Regularly getting caught watching porn or flicking through smutty magazines will inevitably lead to a barrage of mind-numbing questions. But if you want the missus to enhance her performance, you have to take the rough with the smooth. She’ll immediately question why you feel it's necessary to get your rocks on by watching other women go at it. “What do those trashy whores have that I don’t?” she’ll wonder after catching you ogling a buxom brunette named Candy and her erotic blond friend, Sasha, working their way through the Kama Sutra.

At this point, she’ll be vulnerable, easy to manipulate and more susceptible to your lies. Tell her you were watching porn to spice up your sex life and coerce her into sitting through at least one DVD. Then delicately suggest she applies what she learned to your next sexual dalliance. Repeat until she either improves or uncovers your sordid plan.

Rule No. 4: Sign her up for pole-dancing lessons

A little manipulation can go a long way for this next tip. While you’re thinking about sex every 10 seconds, she’s worrying about her weight, makeup, hair, nails, foundation, fake tan, etc. In short, she frets far more about her appearance than you do about yours. So what better way for her to feel sexy while burning the calories than pole-dancing lessons? She may be initially reluctant to accept, but a quick Google search for some news article on how it’s not only an incredibly good workout but also a major turn-on for most men should do the trick.

Rule No. 5: Tell her she’s fat

Sometimes you just have to be cruel to be kind, and getting her to sexually gratify you is one of those moments. Buying clothes that are a size too small for her is a particularly effective way to deliver your message. After she’s finished moaning, a casual comment along the lines of “oh, I thought you were a size X” will have her convinced she’s piling on the pounds. If all goes to plan, she’ll put more effort into her fitness regime and sexual exploits to burn off those extra calories.

Big Penises

Is There Such A Thing As Too Big?

The first time I went downtown, I could barely fit it in my mouth...

When it comes to the world of penises, it’s a commonly held belief that bigger is better. Most of the time it is. What woman doesn’t love the added friction of a big penis? But even the most dedicated of size queens may find that sometimes a too-large penis can be more than a mouthful -- literally.

I once met a man who was so well endowed that the first time we had sex he punctured me. We awoke to find blood stains all over the bed the next morning, and, for once, it wasn’t because I was riding the crimson wave. Nope, it was just because his dick was abnormally big. As the day went on, I continued to bleed causing me to worry if this was normal. The last thing I needed was an infection below the belt. So I called up a doctor friend to ask for advice. His counsel? Lay off having sex for a few days. You would think he’d know me better than that. Clearly that wasn’t an option.

Big Penises And Anal Sex: A Deadly Combination

Undeterred, I continued to have sex with the Anaconda, as I call him, and as a result continued to bleed here and there. It was all fine and dandy until one day he thought it would be a great idea to spring anal sex on me. In most circumstances, I’m a big fan of surprises. But “Surprise! My dick is in your ass!” is not one of them. I screamed in pain and told him in no uncertain terms to get the hell off of me.

It didn’t get any better when it came to oral sex. The first time I went downtown, I could barely fit it in my mouth, causing me to accidentally graze his member with my teeth. After a little practice, I finally got it under control, but easy it was not. Still, his larger-than-life penis was not as bad as some of the others my friends have encountered. Some of my girlfriends have experienced penises so enormous they could only allow half of it inside before yelping in pain. It’s like going to a buffet and being unable to eat.

So what’s a guy to do when he has a big penis? Alas, unlike boobs, there is no way to make it smaller or larger (although I sure wish there was).

But there are things that man with big penises can do to make sex more comfortable for women

Having sex sideways is perfect for bigger penises since neither one of you will be able to fully thrust.

How To Have Sex With A Big Penis

1. Use lots of lube: Even if the woman in question is normally pretty moist, lubricants will be her best friend in this situation, since lube will lessen the friction. You can use lube in foreplay, having her rub your member with the slippery stuff. Avoid oil-based lubricants because they cause yeast infections. Instead, stick to water- or silicone-based lubes, which can also be used with condoms.

2. Avoid anal and doggy style: The anal canal is not as elastic as the vagina. A vagina is meant to have objects go in (penises) and out (babies), so it’s more prepared to expand. The anal canal, however, is designed for no such activity. It’s not impossible, but anal sex with a larger-than-average penis is going to cause most women outright pain if not extreme discomfort. The doggy-style position allows for extra-deep penetration, so it's a better bet for men on the smaller side. A guy with a big penis may very well injure a woman in this position.

3. Stick to missionary, woman on top or sideways: The classic missionary keeps you from thrusting too deep into your lady. Even though it’s knocked for being boring, it’s a win-win proposition for both parties in this circumstance. With the woman on top position, she can control how far she allows you inside her and you’ll get a full view of her hot bod. Having sex sideways is perfect for bigger penises since neither one of you will be able to fully thrust. The limited range of motion is still pretty sexy, as you’ll be able to make out at the same time.

4. Take it slow: It goes without saying that when you have a big penis, you shouldn’t throw it around like a bull in a china shop. Slow and steady wins the race. Enter her carefully and slowly and build up to a more intense thrusting so she’s not caught off guard by your gigantic member.